Cohabitation, The New Norm
I may have mentioned in other posts that I currently live with my girlfriend. We have been dating for more than four years. The discussion on marriage has popped up a few times. The reason we aren’t very keen on tying the knot is mainly because of the costs involved. I just can’t for the life of me spend upwards of $10,000 on a wedding. The costs are enormous for such a quick event. Instead of taking the plunge into even more debt after graduation, I have decided to postpone marriage. I may even decide to avoid the idea all together.
It gets awkward around family members talking about my living arrangement. I come from a very religious family that frowns on this behavior. They ask if we have thought about marriage and why we have been living together so long. It’s not easy or popular to say it’s because of a lack of money. For the longest I thought I was alone with this problem. Instead it is a shift towards a new norm.
The Shift In Our Culture
Times are changing at the speed of light. If I would have tried this a few decades ago, chances are my parents would disown me. The truth is we aren’t in the 1950’s anymore. Men and women have figured out the marriage game. The risks are enormous and the benefits are paltry at best. I can’t name too many people who would tell me marriage is the best thing that ever happened to them. I know even less who actually financially benefited from marriage. Young people want out of the marriage hoax and the numbers would seem to be supporting that. I know that cohabitation leads to higher divorce in the United States, for couples who go on to get married. I found an article supporting that fact here.
The truth is I don’t need a piece of paper or a government to acknowledge the fact I love someone. If I can already reap many of the rewards of marriage for free, then why would I go into debt getting married? It is possible to have a frugal wedding of course. However American women have become so brainwashed with the sense of a luxurious wedding that men don’t stand a chance. It’s either go all out with fancy planning or wait for a guy who will come around and pay for it. Most women scoff at the idea of eloping or having a small wedding.
The Benefits Of Cohabitation
Unless you want to be living in your parent’s basement, go into debt to get married, or live with a bunch of stinky roommates, cohabitation is great. The cost of everything is roughly split down the middle. You can share groceries, utilities, and living expenses that you would normally have to foot on your own. You feel a greater sense of privacy knowing that it is you and a significant other exclusively. As much as I adored my past roommates, it started to get a little old slamming beers and bar hopping after a few years. While it is true I endure quite a bit of squabbling with my roommate/girlfriend it still beats breaking the bank renting a studio apartment.
Don’t be ashamed to have to cohabitate for a few years before you get married. More than 50% of couples live together before they eventually go on to get married. Some end up living together without getting married indefinitely. I would imagine that trend will continue to develop as the economy grows worse. While it may be awkward to watch your friends get married after only a few months of dating, pay attention to what they say after a few months into the marriage. The conversation usually changes from being a blissful couple to being straddled with debt. Only finance a marriage when you can pay for it out of pocket. No one should ever have to go into debt to enjoy the benefits of sharing life with another person.
Hey there, I discovered your site last week and love it.
Just wanted to throw my 2 cents out there on this post.
I was exactly where you are 3 years ago. I lived with my husband 3 years before we got married. I loved him very much but had all the same concerns as you did. He made MUCH more money than I was at the time and I was concerned about losing my financial aid. My parents are very active in thier church and were constantly reminding me how much they’d love to see us stop “living in sin.” We were happy as we were, but decided to research it a little more. We quickly saw that the tax benefits of being married were amazing. This year we were refunded $3000 more than if we had been single. Taxes haven’t been the only plus of being legally married. I read somewhere that there are over 1400 more rights that are granted to people who wed over remain single. I sleep easier at night knowing that I won’t be denied access to my husband if, God forbid, something happens to him, among those 1400 other things.
We were totally like minded in our frugality. When we realized the benefits of having that peice of paper we didn’t even think twice about eloping. We got married on July 7, 2007. We drove to Gatlinburg, TN (the Vegas of the south) and asked the visitor center where we could find the cheapest ceremony. We got married for less than $50 in a “drive thru” wedding. It was still the best day of my life. I hope you do get married or at least research to see if it would help you. For us, being married has most definately been the frugal thing to do.
Right on KC. Thanks for the comment.
I just found your blog. While I’m enjoying your site, as a religious woman, I’m having a hard time coming to terms with your stance on this issue.
True, having roommates can be ultra annoying and it is much preferable to be living with someone you love, but there are other issues aside for religious when it comes to living together before marriage.
What do you do about expenses? Who pays what? Do you have a joint bank account or individual ones? Without joint bank accounts life is a big hassle. However, joint bank accounts can cause problems if you’re not legally married; what happens if G-d forbid you break up and then what? What do you do about splitting assets?
Not to mention what the previous commenter said about government/tax benefits.
Weddings can be cheap. Elope. If you’re on the same page with your girlfriend, what is stopping you from doing that? I have a hard time imagining that a girl would rather NEVER get married than elope.
Just my 2 cents.
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